My Life With Zelda
by DeadeyeDave
Summary: More adventures in home improvement and life-threatening injury.
1. My Date With Zelda

Zelda My Date With Zelda 

(soooooo not what you think) 

*** 

Finally, a normal fic...NOT!!!!! 

~DED   
*** 

Damn. 

It's hot today. 

It's usually not hot in Kokori, but today...man, it's frickin hot. And I don't have a fan. 

Hmmm...how can I cool off...Ah ha! I have a freezer. 

I'll just climb into the freezer. 

*** 

Man, it's too firggin' cold. Maybe that wasn't such a good idea. I know! 

*** 

I'll give myself a sponge bath with some frozen peas. Peas are good. I like them. Maybe when I'm done sponging myself with them I'll microwave them. I like mashing them into a paste. 

*ding dong* 

Hmmm? What was that? Someone's at the door! 

Frickin hell, I'm wearing a bag of peas. 

(opens door) 

Hi there. 

Why am I naked and holding a bag of peas? 

Don't ask. 

Oh, you're the mailman. A letter for me? Wow! 

*** 

I put on some clothes. That was smart of me. Though the peas felt soooooooo good...mmmmmmmm... 

Let's see what that letter is. 

Ohmigosh! An invitation to a DATE! With ZELDA! WHOHOOO! "You are cordially invited to an evening at the Glittering Crystal, courtesy of the Royal Family. Yours, Zelda." 

Cool! 

"Cordially." Hmm. What does that mean? "Cordially." Core. Ja. Lee. Hmmm. I'd better wear a tie. 

*** 

God, I never realized how far away Hyrule Market Town is. Crud. My butt hurts. This saddle is uncomfortable. 

Ah. Here we are. 

"Hello." 

"Hello." 

"I need a suit." 

"Ok, you come here and I'll fit you." 

Fit me? Whoa. What is that? Is it painful? Can I have an anestectic? 

"Ok, we need to take your waistline." 

Hey...he's tying me up with a rope! 

"Ok, inseam." 

Inseam? Is that what I think it is? Eep... 

"Ok, now your..." 

He stood up. 

"Ooooch!" 

Hey, you're still holding the ruler! Do you know how sensitive that...uhh...area is? 

"Sorry." 

*** 

I've got a suit. Great. Now to get it home. 

Hmm. I got dress shoes. They are nice. And black. Nice and black. 

Hey, one's missing. 

Now I know why we find one shoe on the side of the road. 

*** 

Hmmm. I have to get ready. Let me see here. I need underwear. Can't go on a date without underwear. 

I open my underwear drawer. 

Crap. 

Crap crap crap. 

I ONLY HAVE ONE LAST PAIR OF UNDERWEAR!!! 

And it's..._that_ one. 

Naaah. It's just a _little_ problem. She'll never find out...will she? 

It won't go _that_ far...although I always really hoped... 

*** 

I'm riding to that restaurant. This suit is itchy. It's rubbing my...umm...inmentionable organs. God, I've gotta scratch. Real bad. 

Ooooh yeaaaaaaah...much better. I wish I had one of those three-pronged garden things. That wound feel soooooo good. 

*** 

Oooh. What a fancy place. It's got these tiki torches out front. And valet parking! They park your horse for you! 

Sweet. 

Ya know what? I wish horses were more like cars. I wish Epona had a cupholder. 

Hella cool! 

I could take my coffee to work with me. 

I'll have to try that sometime. 

Whoa. Here comes a carriage. It's carrying...Zelda! Ooooh...look at that dress! And that hair! 

(romantic music plays in Link's brain) 

(Zelda's hair blows around in slo-mo) 

Damn. It's like a shampoo commercial. Or a makeup ad. 

But the most arousing thing... 

Those eyebrows. 

She's got sexy eyebrows. They're all green. Green is my favorite color. They turn me on. 

Now she's walking over to me. 

"Link, you look wonderful!" 

Is that a compliment? 

"So do you..." 

That worked. I think. 

***   
Hmmm. What to get. There are so many things to choose from. What the hell are all these entrees? I think I'll get "Frennel Cucumber Chicken Clam Corn Maranaira Baste Broil Reduction." 

God, can I see the children's menu? 

*** 

Zelda looks nice. I hope I'm not staring at her eyebrows too much. This suit is so itchy. I really gotta itch down there! What can I do? 

I try to scratch. 

Zelda looks at me funny. 

I stop. 

How am I gonna survive? 

*** 

Oh good, my food is here. Zelda's eyebrows even look hot when she eats. 

What IS this stuff? 

It's like a big blob of junk covered in pasta sauce. 

Let me test and see if it kills me. 

Hmm... 

Hey! This stuff is delish! 

I'll try some more. 

And more. 

*** 

Zelda's looking at me funny again. That was good unidentifiable substance covered in pasta sauce. I'll eat some more. 

(*scarf chew chew chomp slurp lick lick*) 

Zelda's looking at me the way she did when I swallowed her estrogen pills. 

They were nasty. 

Fucking hell, I spilled tomato sauce on my suit. 

*** 

GOD, how long does it take for her to eat? 

This suit is reeeeeeally itchy. Must...resist...urge...to...scratch... 

RRRRRRRRRRRRR!!! 

I hope Zelda doesn't notice this. 

(scratch scratch scratch) 

Aaaah....relief. 

*** 

Well, time to go. 

"Link, do you want to come back to the castle?" 

WOULD I? 

"All righty!" 

God I feel like an idiot. 

*** 

Zelda is on my back and I'm riding Epona. 

No Epona. Not now. 

Please not now! 

Not on her fucking LAWN! 

Ewwwwww! 

(*plop*) 

"He heh...oops..." 

*** 

Zelda dims the lights and sits next to me. 

Yes! 

Score! 

"Link, you are as smart as tree stump and have the maturity of a six-year-old." 

Huh? 

"But I love you anyway." 

Much better. 

Kissy kissy. 

*** 

Later: 

No...please no...don't... 

I thought I'd never say that. 

NO ZELDA DON'T TAKE OFF MY PANTS!!! 

God, I can't belive I just thought that. 

Can I take a rain check? 

Can we rescedule this? 

Please? 

She's unzipping them. 

Here it comes. 

*** 

"Link, do you always wear tye-dyed underwear?" 

No. 

"Ummmm..." 

Real profoundly. 

And that was my date with Zelda.   
  
  
  



	2. The Nuclear Falafel Gun is born

My Life with Zelda, or: My Date With Zelda, the Series  
  
***  
  
I like fish. They're delicious.  
  
Then again, I like lawyers. I had a lawyer one. He was delicious too.  
  
So I like fish, and I like lawyers. So it would follow that I like fish with lawyers.  
  
And yet, I hate fish with lawyers.  
  
I mean, one time, I had this fish, and it sued me. I mean I gave it all the food it could possibly want. I even gave it fancy sparkling wine instead of water, so it'd be happy.  
  
Wait that might have been in a dream. Yeah. Dream.  
  
Unless... nope, dream.  
  
Which leads directly to my other point. Licking badgers after 5 PM is illegal on other planets.  
  
That's why I propose that we build some sort of interstellar rocket to find these planets, and explain to them how wrong they are.  
  
I mean I do all my badger licking after 5 PM. They only come out after 5 PM anyway. What are those other planets thinking, anyway?  
  
It is probably very cold in space. I'd bring a jacket. Also a flashlight. It's really dark there.  
  
The ship would be constructed of the finest weeds and twigs available. It would have a reinforced hull made from rocks to survive the rigors of atmospheric reentry. Also it would be green. Green things are cool.  
  
The velocity required to escape from gravity would come from a giant slingshot.  
  
Maybe Zelda could build it for me. She's got, like, a million Rupees. One time, she went to a restaurant, and she bought two of everything on the menu, and then ate it all, and the restaurant had to go out of business. Then Zelda danced the can-can on top of a giant mushroom.  
  
Wait that was a dream too.  
  
But I won't let that fact dissuade me. I'm going to propose that we build the spaceship right now.  
  
"ZZEEELLLLLLLLLLLDA! ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLDA!"  
  
Oh, that's right. I'm in my tree house now.  
  
Better yell louder.  
  
Wait, no time for that! I just got a brilliant idea!  
  
You know how when you really want something to happen, it never does? Well, just wish that the opposite of what you actually want to happen would happen! Like, "I don't want a ham sandwich to fall from the sky right now." I'll bet a ham sandwich will be falling on my head any second now.  
  
Any second.  
  
Aaaaaaaaaaaany second.  
  
Anyway, I know what's best for everyone.  
  
Why? Because I'm smarter than everyone.  
  
Like, the poor street urchins who live in Hyrule Market Town are starving. If I were them, I would eat some food. Maybe buy a house.  
  
And if you have rats infesting your house, you should maybe make the rats go away. I mean, it's so simple, but no one seems to realize it but me.  
  
I guess I'm a genius. Zelda called me an idiot savant. I think that means something good, but maybe not.  
  
Hey! Maybe if I stand on my head, all the intelligence that's sitting uselessly in my feet will flow down into my brain!  
  
Nope. Not feeling any smarter. I do feel a great deal of blood pooling in my head though...  
  
You know, I'm going to go visit Zelda. I have so many great ideas to tell her.  
  
Like, this one. If you want to have more time in your day to have fun, just set the clocks backwards.  
  
And also, I've figured out you can travel into the future. Really, it's easy. First, go into the kitchen and get a bag of potato chips. Then start eating the potato chips. Keep eating for an hour. Little do you know that all around you, time is hurtling by, spiraling behind you in a chronological wake, disappearing into oblivion at the astounding rate of 1 second per second. By the time you've eaten chips for an hour, you'll be almost a whole sixty minutes in the future. In fact, if you eat the chips for a decade, you might go a whole 10 years ahead! Isn't it cool?  
  
And another thing. The easiest way to clean a toilet is to let chaos theory clean it. According to chaos theory, if you wait long enough, eventually your toilet will become clean. Like, a tiny hurricane could occur over your toilet. Or some person could come in and clean it for no apparent reason. I've adhered to this principle for my whole life, and it's worked perfectly. Same with my bed. And the rest of my house.  
  
Well, here we are. Man, Zelda lives in one nice-ass house. I can't wait 'till chaos theory gives me a house like that.  
  
*ding-dong*  
  
"Hello? Who's th.AAAAAAAAAAH!"  
  
"What, Zelda? It's just me, Link."  
  
"I KNOW! AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"  
  
"Is this a bad time?"  
  
She sighs. She does that a lot. I can't figure out why. "No...come in..."  
  
We sit down in this huge couch. It's like, the size of my whole house. Really soft too...  
  
"So Link, what is it this time?"  
  
"Nothing sweetie! Just want to talk!"  
  
"Oh God..."  
  
"Ahem." It feels weird to clear my throat. Kinda good actually.  
  
"Ahem. Ahem." She's giving me that look again. Does she like it? I guess so. Maybe it's kinda a turn-on or something.  
  
"Ahhhhem. Hwaaak. Ghhhaaak. Hwgaaggagaga. Hrrrruuuk hoooooooock."  
  
Was she disgusted? Or was it lust?  
  
Wow, at the rate I'm going, she'll be all over me in a minute now.  
  
Good thing I'm wearing my dating boxers. Yeah!  
  
It's not working. Oh well, I guess my prodigious intellect will have to win her over.  
  
"Zelda, I've been thinking..."  
  
She mutters something. It kinda sounds like "well, there's a first time for everything" but I think it sounded more like "go on my sweet hunka man- meat."  
  
So I will.  
  
Man, is this couch ever soft. Sitting down it's up to my shoulders. This is kinda creepy...  
  
Time to turn on the charm.  
  
"Did you know that licking badgers after 5 PM is illegal on other planets?"  
  
There's that look again. Man, what does that mean? I think it means she's enthralled by what I'm saying.  
  
"Link, I'm not even going to dignify that with..."  
  
"And that's not right, is it hunnybuns?"  
  
"Sigh...no..."  
  
"Therefore, I propose we construct a spaceship in order to fly to those planets and let them see the error in their ways."  
  
Man, this couch is scary. Ummm... help...  
  
"This 'space-ship' as I call it, will be muumpphhhh..."  
  
HELP! THE COUCH IS CONSUMING ME! My only hope is to summon animal friends with my telepathic...oh right, I don't have superpowers.  
  
Yet.  
  
Anyway, I'm going to pass out from asphyxiation now, but don't go anywhere.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ DOODELYDOODELYDOODELY~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
"GHACK! COUGH! SPUTTER!"  
  
I'm alive!  
  
"I gotta say, that's the first person I've ever seen nearly drown in a couch..."  
  
"Yeah...He was saying something about a spaceship and then...just sank."  
  
Zelda? Izzat you? Who's that other voice?  
  
Hey, I drowned? Did someone give me rescue breathing?  
  
Damn! Zelda gave me mouth to mouth! Sweet! Drowning is cool. I ought to try that again sometime.  
  
"Is he better?"  
  
"I don't know, I'd better give him more breaths..."  
  
Hey, that didn't sound like Zelda...  
  
I open my eyes.  
  
AAAAAAGGGGGH! RAURU!?!?!?  
  
Pthuh! Gag! Wash my tongue!  
  
"Oh thank goodness! Link, you're ok!"  
  
"I need some lye..."  
  
"Umm...right...Anyway, thanks Rauru, you've once again saved Link from his own incompetence..."  
  
Incompetence? What is that? Is that the word for "man-eating couch?"  
  
Guess so.  
  
"So, Zelda, shall we sit down? Anywhere but on the...incompetence."  
  
"Oh God, Link, why? Why must I be seen with you?"  
  
She's astounded by my vocabumalary. No, wait, she's sobbing quietly. Hmm.  
  
We sit on a different couch. Hope it's not incompetent.  
  
"Sigh...so, Link, you were saying something about a space ship and badgers..."  
  
Hmm...I'm starting to get the sighing thing. When she sighs, she wants me to stop talking about that subject.  
  
Oh no! I must have been boring her!  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I'm so sorry. Please forgive me."  
  
"Sorry about what?"  
  
"I'm sorry that I bored you so much you cried."  
  
"It's not that, it's just...I guess..."  
  
Oh! She's in love with me! And...crying...for some reason. I guess her emotions got the better of her.  
  
"I love you, Zelda..."  
  
"Aw commere, my lunkheaded love..."  
  
Score! From being bored to tears to smoochy-face in like thirty seconds!  
  
"I just wish you could be just a little more..."  
  
Brief? Concise? Succinct? I will...  
  
"I can change...I'm so sorry for being...you know..."  
  
"It's just so hard to live with your gross incompetence..."  
  
I'm a what now? An all-consuming couch? Oh well, best not to argue with her. She's even smarter than me. I mean she got like a 1600 on the Essay Tees or something. Wait, maybe incompetent means boring. Maybe the couch was so boring, my I hallucinated that I was being eaten by it. Yeah. My brain would do that. I hate my brain. But it does give me some great ideas.  
  
"I'm so sorry...I want you to be happy, so whenever I'm being...umm...incompetent, just tell me."  
  
"Oh Link, I love you...you're so stupidly loveable."  
  
Loveable! Yes!  
  
"So, what were you going to say?"  
  
"Well, never mind, I'm sure that it was going to be incompetent."  
  
"Awww.well, what should we talk about?"  
  
"What do you want to talk about?"  
  
Yes. Get the obligation off my chest. I don't have the faintest on what to do.  
  
"Well...today I had tax reforms and put down a peasant revolt. How was your day?"  
  
Did I put down any peasant revolts today? Naaah. Don't think so. How about tax reforms? Well, I don't know anyone named Reforms, so I guess I couldn't have taxed him. Or her. Or it.  
  
"Well, I ate mayonnaise."  
  
"Fascinating."  
  
"I get a lot of good ideas while I eat mayonnaise. Want to hear?"  
  
"Well, ok...I'll tell you if they're incompetent, 'mkay dear?"  
  
"Umm, okay. So, I have a great idea for revolutionizing the Hyrulian military."  
  
"Really? Tell me."  
  
"Ready?"  
  
"Yeah!"  
  
"Nuclear falafel guns!"  
  
"Whaa?"  
  
Uh-oh. I think I might be acting incompetent. Ok, better win her over.  
  
"Wait, hear me out. First the chickpeas are bathed in molten tungsten. Then they are irradiated with hummus treated with uranium-258. Once loaded into a paintball gun the chickpeas can reach a velocity of over 300 feet per second and will be able to pierce straight through a human body. The radiation would then turn the hapless victim into jelly!"  
  
"Oh, for the love of..."  
  
"Man, getting shot by that motherpucker would be like jumping in a swimming pool full of hydrochloric acid!"  
  
"Well actually, that would work...I suppose I could think...WAIT! WHAT AM I SAYING? Being with you is lowering my IQ!"  
  
I'm lowering her what? Her Irritation Quarter? Wow! She's been really stressed lately. Especially when I'm around. Well, maybe that'll change now. I mean, she knows best about her own Irrigation Quart.  
  
"Oh Link."  
  
"Yes, honey?"  
  
"Lesson one. Nuclear falafel guns are incompetent."  
  
Oh no! Really? Man, I thought that was the most riveting thing I'd ever thought of.  
  
"My bad, baby..."  
  
"It's all right, just talk about something else. But wait, I need a drink to get through this...Want something?"  
  
Hmm...I thought she said I shouldn't have drinks. Something about bars. Mmmm...bar...  
  
I think the last time I had a drink was when she had a pool party and I wore her dresses.  
  
I was pretty.  
  
But embarrassed later.  
  
Ok. I have a good conversation starter.  
  
"You know what's really useful?"  
  
"No, what?"  
  
She's got liquor. We're saved!  
  
"Words that sound like obscenities but are really perfectly clean. Like, 'flocculation.' It's when sewage clumps together. Did you know that?"  
  
"Well...no, I guess..."  
  
She rolls her eyes. Then drinks. All of it.  
  
Yikes.  
  
"Or, 'Shitake mushrooms.' Or, 'Shiite Muslims.' My favorite is 'obituary.'"  
  
"Hee hee Link, you're right!"  
  
Wow! Genuine interest!  
  
"Like, 'I dropped my keys in the lake! O-bituary!'"  
  
She's giggling strangely. I don't really know why.  
  
Maybe if I drink this champagne really fast I'll be giggly too.  
  
I love to giggle. It's fun.  
  
"Know any, Zelly baby?"  
  
"I dun think so. Want sommore sham-pag-nee?"  
  
"Hee hee...shampagnee."  
  
"'Mkay, here. So what else you got?"  
  
"Well, I've realized something. If you drink a soda, then jump up and down a lot, I bet it'll get all fizzy and shoot out your nose."  
  
"Damn! Cool! We gotta try thagt!"  
  
Wow! Zelda is neat! She's finally opening up to me.  
  
"Ok, got any soda?"  
  
"Sure, I gots some Royal Crown Cola in the fridge."  
  
We go to the kitchen. She drinks another champagne. Hmm... something odd here.  
  
Oh well.  
  
She drinks a soda. And starts jumping.  
  
Ooooooh yeah baby. Man. I just can't stop staring at her big, bouncy...  
  
Eyebrows. Fuck, man, I've got such a hard-on! Damn that's embarrassing. But I just can't stop it...those ample, soft, bouncing...eyebrows...up and down...up and down... *drool drool*  
  
Aww, she stopped.  
  
*BELLLCH!*  
  
"Holy Shiite Link! 'Scuze me..."  
  
Fuckin' jeebus! She's even good at belching! I bet she could have won that belching contest I did awhile back.  
  
Damn, that's sexy. I like a girl who can do that easily.  
  
Eyebrows...belching...fuck, she's perfect.  
  
She's leaning waaaaaaaaay over. I have an amazing view of the big hills and valleys of her sumptuous, voluptuous, curvy...eeeeeeeyeeeeebrows...  
  
"Hey loverboy, wanna you an me go flocculate?"  
  
Really? We should go and clump together in a sewer?  
  
No wait...  
  
Is she coming on to me?  
  
"Lez go upstairs eh?"  
  
All righty!  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ Some time later...~ ~ ~ ~  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAH!"  
  
I wake bolt upright in bed. In more ways than one, heh heh...I had a great big...cowlick. I always get cowlicks. What, did you think I was going to say something different? What? Oh, never mind.  
  
There's Zelda. In the bed. Next to me. And she's NEKKID! AND NUDE! WITH NO CLOTHES ON! HELL'S BELLS!  
  
"Link, are you all right? You were mumbling about fish and lawyers. I think you were..."  
  
She pauses. She looks at her totally nekkid self. And my totally nekkid self. We're totally nekkid. Did we join a nudist colony or something? I can't remember real good. My head kinda hurts.  
  
Once I made my own nudist colony. No one joined. So it was mostly me sitting naked in my tree. But the pea sponge baths were sooooooo sweet.  
  
Anyway, Zelda doesn't look so good.  
  
"Wait...don't tell me we...AAAAAAAAH!"  
  
"It's okay, the fish with lawyers are only in my imagination. They can't sue you."  
  
"OH MY GOD WE DID! I'M SOBER AGAIN AND IT HURRRRRTS!"  
  
"Wait, you were drunk, previously?"  
  
"YES!"  
  
So that explains the giggles. And the flocculation.  
  
"Aww, cheer up. Was it that bad?  
  
The soda, I mean. That is what she's upset about, right?  
  
I don't think so, actually...  
  
"Well, I guess not...sigh...for a total retard, you're pretty good in bed, hun..."  
  
Yeeehaw!  
  
"Wanna talk some, Link?"  
  
About the soda? Of course! I really want to know what it was like.  
  
"So...was it good for you?"  
  
I bet it was. I mean, you got to drink a soda, and it was probably really weird having the soda fizz in your stomach.  
  
"Oh, it was great...I just...think it's kind of wrong to do it when we're drunk like that. It could be dangerous..."  
  
Whoa! Soda is dangerous if you're drunk? Like, it forms an explosive chemical reaction with the alcohol? Holy shitake! I'd better be more careful.  
  
"Oh my God, I'm so sorry...I didn't mean to..."  
  
"No Link, it's my fault. I shouldn't have started it..."  
  
So she wanted me to shake her? Well, that can be arranged. Maybe I could 'accidentally' cop a feel on those sexy...eyebrows of hers.  
  
"Well, we'll be more careful next time, Zel."  
  
Aaah. I feel much better.  
  
"So, want to talk?"  
  
"Sure!"  
  
Well now. This is not a time for incompetence. We just finished another mad- hot makeout session, after all. It'd be kinda awkward talking about the nuclear falafel guns, what with the sex and all.  
  
"Zelda, I want to talk about our future."  
  
"Wow. I didn't think you had the capacity. Well, what's on your mind?"  
  
"If one day, we get married, have kids, and all that, I need to know something."  
  
See, I read this article on spontaneous human combustion. It's really scary. I wouldn't want Zelda or any of my darling children to just suddenly blow up. I wonder if it's genetic. Or if it's an STD. So...  
  
"Zelda, has your liver ever caught fire for no reason?"  
  
"WHAT?"  
  
"Your liver. Or maybe your spleen or your brain. Have they ever burst into flame with no discernable cause?"  
  
"Umm, no, Link. My liver has not to date caught fire for no reason."  
  
"Good, because I hear that spontaneous combustion is an STD, and...ya know...I want to be safe..."  
  
"Link...yi yi yi...Why do I love you so much? Your skull cavity is full of mulch!"  
  
Mulch. Hey, mulch keeps weeds from growing! Cool! My skull is full of weed killer!  
  
"Well, never mind then."  
  
"So..."  
  
"Yeah..."  
  
I'm losing her interest! Oh no! I've got just one chance. I'll play my trump card. This is guaranteed to catch her interest!  
  
"Ahem. Zelda, you know how when you drop a piece of toast, it always lands butter side down?"  
  
"Umm, yeah, I guess..."  
  
"Well, what if you buttered both sides of the toast? Would it land on one side then flip over onto the other? Or would it hover above the floor, unable to land because it can't land butter side down?"  
  
"Umm...I dunno..."  
  
That gets me thinking! Hey!  
  
"And cats! Cats always land on their feet. What if you had a mutant cat with four more feet growing out of its back?"  
  
"Oh for the love of..."  
  
"What if you glued two cats back-to-back? My God, the implications are astounding!"  
  
And then it hit me. The greatest question that mankind will ever know.  
  
"Link, you're being really stu..."  
  
"What if you stapled a piece of buttered toast to the back of a cat?!?!"  
  
"Umm...the cat would maul you?"  
  
"No! Would the cat/toast land butter-side down or on its feet?"  
  
"Link, that is the most ridiculous..."  
  
"I've got to test it!"  
  
I jump up. Eurika! This is amazing!  
  
"Link, you are NOT dropping cats off of windows!"  
  
"Umm...I wasn't...I was just...going out to perform certain...um...deeds."  
  
"Uhh, right..."  
  
There was a long pause.  
  
"On a totally unrelated matter, do you have any cats you don't need anymore?"  
  
"NO!"  
  
"Aww come on! Look, we could drop the cat out this window over here! Come look."  
  
She gets up. She stands next to the window. Totally nekkid! Wow! Good thing nobody can see us.  
  
I wouldn't want anyone ogling her naked eyebrows.  
  
"Link, at this height the cat would be turned into paste!"  
  
"No it wouldn't!"  
  
"Why don't you jump yourself and...EEEEEK!"  
  
Ohmigosh! Zelda fell off the balcony! She's hanging on a ledge!  
  
HOLY SHIITE! WHAT DO I DO???  
  
"LIIIIIIIIINK! HELLLLLLP!"  
  
What can I do? Wait! I got it! The one thing that's never failed me!  
  
Chaos theory!  
  
"Zelda! Hang on! In about a trillion years something is bound to happen!"  
  
"LINK YOU RETARD! TOSS ME A LIFELINE!"  
  
"OKAY! JUST WAIT FOR CHAOS!"  
  
"NOOOOOOOO!"  
  
I walk back inside. Damn I'm good. Glad that's over.  
  
I slip on the sheet on the floor from our aforementioned mad-hot makeout session.  
  
The sheet flies over to the balcony and snags on a chair.  
  
"OH MY GOD! THANK YOU!"  
  
What? What did I do?  
  
Zelda's climbing over the balcony.  
  
"Great thinking Link!"  
  
She runs over and hugs. I don't get it...  
  
"What? What'd I do?"  
  
"Don't be silly Link! You threw me a sheet! You saved my life for the umpteenth time!"  
  
OOOH! Wow! Chaos theory works again!  
  
"I love you, Link..."  
  
Umm. What to say?  
  
"I love you too Zelda..."  
  
That works. Kissy kissy.  
  
And that was day one of my life with Zelda. 


	3. Much nudity about nothing

My Life With Zelda  
  
***  
  
Today is a big day.  
  
I know what you're thinking, and no, it's not my birthday. You can give me presents though.  
  
No, wait. Maybe it is my birthday.  
  
No, wait. It's not.  
  
UnLESS...  
  
Nope, it's not.  
  
But it is a holiday. You just won't find it on any "traditional" calenders. Lousy conformists. I DON'T DO THE MAN'S DIRTY WORK NO MO!  
  
I make up my own holidays. It's fun. Today is Peanut Butter Clothing day. I dressed in peanut butter. It's also the Annual Kokiri Track Meet in the Lost Woods.  
  
But that's not why today is a big day.  
  
Don't get me wrong, I mean, peanut butter is very important. Before peanut butter was invented, all was darkness, strife, bitterness, destruction, ruin and hate. After peanut butter, all is love, happiness, prosperity, goodness, grace, and euphoria. Mostly. If it wasn't for peanut butter, I'd have starved ages ago.  
  
But today there is something even more important than peanut butter.  
  
Today Zelda and I are going to a fancy spa in Death Mountain. It's called, "The Spa of Death."  
  
It's gonna be cool.  
  
Zelda invited me. She's so rich she can do whatever she wants. She said maybe my problem is that I have too much tension and it's causing me to be, quote, unquote, "a total retard."  
  
"I've tried everything else," she said.  
  
Hmm. Better put on something other than peanut butter.  
  
***  
  
She's here!  
  
There's this wicked-awesome carriage outside. Wicked-awesome! Wait...I'm afraid that you fail to fully comprehend the depth, the scale, the very magnitude of the wicked-awesomeness of this carrage. It is...ummm...it is...  
  
Wicked-awesome!  
  
I get in. She's in a bathing suit.  
  
Better avoid staring at her eyebrows too much.  
  
"Hi Link, ready for your destupidifying?"  
  
"Umm...yes?"  
  
"Good. We're off!"  
  
This coach is bumpy. Her eyebrows are jiggling.  
  
Damn.  
  
Zelda's cool, 'cause she has servants. They're driving this carriage right now.  
  
I had servants once. I got this squrrel, and put a leash on it, and tied it to a pole, and told it to do my chores.  
  
Only, it didn't. It just ran around in circles making these weird noises that sounded like it was trying to cough up a hairball the size of a pool table. It also had this foam coming out of its mouth. And its hair was falling out. Zelda said it was "rabid." But it wasn't a rabid. It was a squrrel. I mean, they look kinda similar, but still, they're different. Rabids have big ears. And they're pronounced, "raBIT." Not "raBID." But Zelda's super-smart, so I forgive her.  
  
The squrrel bit me. Then I felt kinda weird and fell down and sort of took a nap. When I woke up I wanted to kill things. I can't recall why. Also white foamy stuff was gushing out of my mouth. Maybe I fell asleep shaving or something.  
  
I grew a beard this one time. It felt pretty cool to stroke, but little children would scream when the saw me, so I shaved it off and grew a handlebar mustache. It was hella cool. I walked around with a cane and a top hat.  
  
Anyway, after I tried to strangle Saria to death Zelda came and hit me with a frying pan. When I woke up they jabbed me with a bunch of needles. It hurt.  
  
So I'm off of servants for awhile.  
  
Hmm. Zelda's servants don't look like squrrels. Especially not rabid ones.  
  
Maybe THAT'S her secret.  
  
***  
  
Boy, Death Mountain is far away. This is taking forever. Hope this bumping doesn't make me infertile or something.  
  
I'm hungry. I licked off my peanut butter clothing, but I'm still hungry.  
  
"Zelda, did you pack a lunch?"  
  
"Umm...no, Link, why would I?"  
  
"Cuz I'm hungry! Can we stop?"  
  
"Link, what are you..."  
  
"I WANNA STOP! THERE! PULL IN TO THE DRIVE-THRU!"  
  
"Oh, whatever."  
  
Yay! We're going to McHarnikin's!  
  
Now what do I want. McHarnuggets, Harny Supreme, Big Harn, McHarnikin's Mission Statement, Open Late, No Personal Checks? So much to choose from!  
  
OOOOH! I want the Harny Meal! It comes with a Finding Nemo toy! WOOOOOT!  
  
We're pulling up to the little speaker box.  
  
"AAGAHAHNBNBABBBAHABBB?"  
  
What? What is that guy doing, talking through Peter Frampton's guitar processer?  
  
"Umm...I'd like a Junior Harny Burger with Cheese Harny Meal, please."  
  
"BBBABBHFAHFHAFATWWWHHGFFFFFGFH?"  
  
He sounds like the voice of Satan.  
  
"Why yes, I WOULD like fries with that."  
  
"BHAGGGGRRGAGGARGFFAFFFG."  
  
"Can you make the toy the one where Nemo shoots water out of his mouth? Thanks."  
  
"KSPPSSSSSSSSSSSSCHHHHHHHHAEEGGGERGRGGHHDFD."  
  
"Okay."  
  
I hope they get my order right. I mean, a wind-up Nemo? Lame! I want the one that shoots water at people!  
  
One time, I had this wicked-awesome water fight with Zelda. Except it was sort of one-sided, becuase I just snuck into her room with the hose while she was reading in her nightgown and sprayed her with it.  
  
It did weird things to the region between her shoulders and her stomach. Weird and confusing things. It caused in me an odd mix of befuddlement and arousal. Then she hit me with things, so I couldn't look at it further.  
  
Anyway, Zelda's giving me that look again.  
  
"I suppose I'll be paying for this again, right?"  
  
"No! Of course not! I have Rupees!"  
  
I think.  
  
Okay, we're at the window.  
  
"That comes to 499 Rupees, sir."  
  
Wow! They called me 'sir' without adding, 'please come with me,' or, 'please don't touch that'!  
  
Lets see. I have a Green Rupee, a Green Rupee...a Green Rupee...well, better pay.  
  
"Okay...one, two, three..."  
  
***  
  
"498..." OMIGOSH! I'M OUT OF RUPEES!  
  
"Umm...Zelda...?"  
  
She's asleep. Better not wake her.  
  
"Uhhh...One moment..."  
  
Okay. I'm gonna have to pick Zelda's pocket. She won't mind, right?  
  
Reeeeeeaching...let's see...maybe in here...*squeeze*...nope...hmm...*grope*...nuh uh. Maybe back here...*fondle*...nothing...  
  
Oh, she woke up.  
  
"Zelda, I...umm..."  
  
*SMACK!*  
  
OOOOOOOW! Geez, sorry! It's just one Rupee!  
  
Oh wait! There was another Rupee here all along. Heh. Funny how the world works.  
  
"Okay! I have my money! Here!" I give the casheer a giant sack full of green Rupees.  
  
"Pull over to the second window..."  
  
YAY! I'm gonna get my Harny Burger! AND MY SQUIRTING NEMO! WOOT!  
  
Zelda is looking at me again.  
  
***  
  
Wow! The box has a maze on it! AND a word find! I'M IN SEVENTH HEAVEN! IT'S GROIN-GRABBINGLY GOOD!  
  
Let's see. The burger has...RELISH ON IT??? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I HATE RELISH!  
  
"ZELLLLLLLDAAAAA! IT HAS RELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLISH ON IIIIIIIIIT!!!"  
  
"So? What's your problem?"  
  
"I DUN LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKE RELISH!!"  
  
"Sigh. Let me just scrape it off for you."  
  
"Okay..."  
  
She scrapes off the relish and...EATS IT! I'm amazed! But...THERE'S STILL LITTLE PIECES ON IT!  
  
"There's still little pieces on it!!!"  
  
"Link, they're microscopic. Just eat it."  
  
"I DON'T WANT ITTTTTT!"  
  
"Oh for the love of..."  
  
The love of me? COOL! She's aroused by my childish intolerance! Time to make my move.  
  
"On second thought, I like relish...let me get it out of your mouth for you."  
  
Wow. I'm clever.  
  
"Umm, actually I don't think this is a good time for mmmmmmmmmummmph!"  
  
Kissy kissy.  
  
***  
  
Well.  
  
That was fun.  
  
But we're at the spa. Better put my pants back on.  
  
Hmm. The Spa of Death. Strangely ominous.  
  
Oh well.  
  
So, I'm signed up for the Total Package. Massage, foot rub, mud bath...MUD BATH???  
  
WHAT?  
  
Okay, so spas are supposed to make you clean and healthy. So they dump you in mud?  
  
Well...how bad can it be?  
  
Time to go. I kiss Zelda goodbye, in case I die in the mud and never see her again.  
  
There's a friendly-looking Goron to escort me.  
  
"All right Link, right this way." She's speaking reeeeeeally softly. I suppose that it's to help me relax.  
  
"What was that?"  
  
"Just follow me." Speak up! I can't hear you!  
  
"What are you saying?"  
  
"In here."  
  
"I CAN'T HEAR A WORD YOU'RE SAYING! SPEAK LOUDER!"  
  
Huh. I'm feeling more stressed than when I came in.  
  
***  
  
Okay. She said to undress as much as I'd feel comfortable doing.  
  
If I was going to do that, I would actually put more clothes _on._ But I don't think that's what she was getting at.  
  
So I strip and wrap a towel around myself.  
  
Hmmmm. New age music to listen to. Which one?  
  
"Total Soul." "Complete Soul." "Absolutely, Positively Soul." "Sounds of Nature." "Ocean Waves." "Breakers." "Typhoons." "The Compunctions of Spirit." "Music to Drowze Off To." "One Extremely Long Note." "Thin Irritating Wavering Keyboard with Odd Chanting Voices In Background That Are Loud Enough To Be Heard But Annoyingly Soft." "Raindrops." "Snowflakes." "Golf-ball Sized Hailstones."  
  
Umm. Maybe if I close my eyes and just touch one at random.  
  
Ah. The thin wavering keyboard one. Sounds good.  
  
Now what?  
  
"Please lie down," says the Goron.  
  
On THAT?  
  
There's this little bed. There's a circular hoop where you put your face. It looks like a toilet seat.  
  
I'm not lying on that! It looks like a torture device!  
  
Oh what the hell. The Goron knows what she's doing, I guess.  
  
I feel really weird looking through this little hole. I feel like I _am_ the bed. Like I can't move. Like I'm trapped in a wall with my face sticking out. I feel like the guy who was lowered into the lava inside the metal cage deeley in "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom."  
  
Like, at any moment there will be little hand straps that clamp shut, trapping me, and then a wicked-awesome lazer beam would come out of the ceiling, and start shooting up, up, towards my crotch, and an evil guy with an evil cat would come out and laugh maniacally? Like in that one James Bond movie? With Sean Connery? The guy who was the dragon in Dragonheart? He's cool! I want to be like him! Because he's a loud craggy Scottsman who doesn't play by the rules!  
  
I love cheese. I roll up an American Single into a tube to make a cheese crack pipe to snort up little pieces of shreadded cheddar, then I eat the Single.  
  
I go off on a lot of odd tangents. Zelda says they're "non-sequeters." What in the name of all things sacred is a sequeter? Is it something I should be doing? Is it painful? Can an anistetic be delivered?  
  
Anistetics are sooooo cool! Like this one time, I fell off a bridge in the Lost Woods, and I broke my leg, and I was like "AAAAH YOU GODDAMN SONS OF BITCHES MY MOTHERFUCKING TIBIA I'LL SEE YOU ALL IN HELL!!!" And then they took me to the hospital and I got to have this anistetic administered and it didn't hurt anymore and I could like, poke the bone sticking out of my shin and stuff and it wouldn't hurt at all but then the doctor sorta rolled his eyes and said that they needed an anisthesiologist really fast and then I kinda passed out.  
  
Pure oxygen is wicked-awesome too. I mean this other time I was choking on a hot dog and started turning all red and then kinda passed out again and then they came and revived me and I got to inhale this pure oxygen and it was like the sweetist shiznit ever and I should sell it in cans as a refreshing beverage.  
  
But I still hate fish with lawyers.  
  
No time to elaborate! The music is starting. It sounds very strange. Who are those voices in the background? What are they saying? Is it about me? WHAT?  
  
I don't hear the Goron. Where did she go?  
  
GGGGAAAAAAAAAH! WHAT WAS THAT?  
  
She just came in and touched my back! Holy Shiite! She moves so silently! My heart...start beating again...there we go.  
  
Oooooooooookay.  
  
You are touching my shoulders. Yep. Those are indeed my shoulders.  
  
You are continuing to touch my shoulders. Are you sure you know what you're doing? Who are you anyway? I can't see you, all I can see is this little patch of floor. For all I know you're a hideous sex fiend come to crush my delicate sensitivities...or...A FISH WITH A LAWYER!  
  
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!  
  
But I can't say anything. That would sound silly. So I'll just wait.  
  
I'm just lying here, staring at the floor. There really isn't that much to look at on the floor.  
  
Okay. You are now touching my back. That is definitely my back. You are kneading my spine there. Ow. Ow. Ow. Please stop. That is my back. You are wrenching my shoulderblades. Please desist. Those are my shoulders, and I'll thank you to leave them be. You know, your hands are not exactally what one would describe as the hands of a good masseuse. They are more the kind of hands one would find on a grizzled coal miner. Or a rock. With hands.  
  
Maybe Gorons shouldn't go into the massage buisness. The mechanics of it elude me.  
  
Of course, everything eludes me.  
  
Wish I had a magazine.  
  
Whoa there. That would qualify as my lower back. Yes. Lower. It is in dangerous proximity to my buttocks. Please hurry up. How much time did I pay for?  
  
But of course I can't say anything.  
  
My face is sticking to the little hole. I'm wondering if there's some kind of glue on the hole so that they can keep me captive. Actually I guess it's the nervous sweat all over my face.  
  
Oh my. That is my thigh. My inner thigh. You are rubbing my inner thigh. Be careful back there. Where are you going? What is that?  
  
Well. Now you are touching my calves. I see. You are definitely touching me. Yes indeed. Yes indeedelydoodelydiddlydaddelydingdangdongdoodleIGOTTAGETOUTTAHERE!  
  
Calm down. Take it easy. Just a massage. Okay. Only...forty-seven minutes to go.  
  
***  
  
OH THANK GOD. She just quietly left the room. (At least I THINK it was her. It might have been the...gasp...fish with lawyers...)  
  
Ooooookay. Gotta get through this. I gotta get through this. HEY! That's a song! By some crappy band that I don't feel like thinking of the name...of.  
  
Think I'll run a few laps to work off the tension.  
  
Run run run. Running in the nude. Run. Run.  
  
Ya know when you say something so many times it looses all meaning? That just happened. With "Run."  
  
Wait. So, "Run" has no meaning. So then, the opposite of "run" is "walk," right? So "walk" has no meaning. So what does have meaning...? Nothing.  
  
I've become unmoored from reality forever.  
  
Oh, wait. No I haven't.  
  
My genitals are flopping wildly. It's not pretty.  
  
Better put the towel back on.  
  
"Sir?"  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! WHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHAT?"  
  
I've just jumped about five vertical feet.  
  
"You...can...follow me for your mud bath now..."  
  
Okay. Must get back to table without exposing Goron lady to illimitable horrors.  
  
Walking...backward...almost there...  
  
GAH! BAR OF SOAP!  
  
OW! SONOFABITCH!  
  
Umm...EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! MY NAKED FRAILTIES HAVE BEEN UNMASKED!  
  
TO A GORON!  
  
MUST GRAB TOWEL! Ahh. There. All better. Although I think I might have scarred the Goron person irrepairably.  
  
"*shudder* Right...this...way..."  
  
Okey-dokey.  
  
***  
  
Wow! There's this great big room! And it's great! And big! It's greatly big! Or maybe it's bigly great. No matter!  
  
LOOK! There she is!  
  
Oh thank GOD.  
  
"ZEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"  
  
I charge madly towards her. It's like one of those things where the two lovers are running toward each other in a big field, and the music is going dadadadadadadaDA DA, DA DA DA DA DA DAAAAAAAAAA...  
  
Except we're in a large, foul-smelling cave. And I'm doing the running. And the music is that Goron theme song that goes like HAP-burra HAP-burra- burra, HAP-burra HAP-burra-burra, WOWM WOWM-WOWM, WAWAWAWAWOWM-WOWM, WOM WADDLEY-WADDLEY-WADDLEY-WEET-WEET WEET-WOWM, WOM WADDLEY-WADDLEY-WADDLEY- WEET-WEET WEET-WOWM. And I lost my towel again.  
  
"LINK! WHAT THE F..."  
  
*WHUMPH*  
  
"OOOOOOOW! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!?"  
  
I cling to her leg.  
  
"I WANNA GO HOOOOOOOOOME! THIS PLACE IS SCARY AND THE GORONS ARE CREEPY AND THE MASSAGES HURT AND I'M NEKKID AND IT'S ALL SO TERRIBLY CONFUSING!"  
  
"GET IN THE TUB!"  
  
I look at the tub. It's large. It's carved in the rock. It's full of mud.  
  
I can only describe the way it smells as "Strikingly similar to the smell of a large tub full of mud."  
  
I'M NOT GETTING IN THAT!  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"  
  
"LINK! YOU'RE ACTING LIKE A FOUR-YEAR-OLD ON METHAMPHETAMINES! GET...IN...THE...TUB!" Every word is punctuated with an attempt to shove me off her leg.  
  
I ain't going nowhere.  
  
"ARRRRRGGG!"  
  
Zelda jumps into the tub.  
  
OH MY GOD!  
  
I'M IN THE MUD! THERE'S MUD ALL AROUND ME!  
  
IT'S DARK! Oh, my eyes are closed.  
  
Okay. I'll open them.  
  
ARRRRRGGGHH! BAD IDEA! MUD IN MY EYES! OOOOOOOW! THIS MUD IS HEATED TO ABOUT A HUNDRED-FIFTY DIGREES!  
  
WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY THINKING?  
  
Wait. I need to breathe. Right?  
  
Maybe not. Maybe I'm like those skeleton peeps in "Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl." Not to be confused with "Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World." Or "Star Trek: Generations." Or "The Cat In The Hat II: The Armageddon." No wait, that one's only in my mind.  
  
For now...  
  
So anyway, why are there so many colons in movie titles? It just makes no sense. I guess they can't use something else. Like, "Pirates of the Caribbean%The Curse of the Black Pearl." Or "Master and Commander#@$!*)The Far Side of the World." That's just silly.  
  
I guess they could use a semicolon, but that would only be half as cool. Maybe they could make the title twice as long to compensate, as in "PPiirraatteess ooff tthhee CCaarriibbbbeeaann; TThhee CCuurrssee ooff TThhee BBllaacckk PPeeaarrll." But then it wouldn't fit on the marquee.  
  
Anyway. Breathing.  
  
"GHASP!"  
  
"Link! What in the hell is your problem?"  
  
Uh oh. She sounds mad.  
  
Better stop screwing up.  
  
"Sorry, I was just freaked out by the scary Gorons and stuff."  
  
"It's okay, I'm here now. Everything's safe."  
  
Ahh. Safe.  
  
I curl into the fetal position and sit in her warm lap.  
  
Awww. So nice.  
  
"Why do I love you so?"  
  
So? My name's not "So!" It's...umm...wait, don't tell me...  
  
Marlon Brando! No wait, Link!  
  
Oh well. I guess I can't complain. Her lap's just so warm...  
  
"I mean, you act like an infant, a retard, and a dangerous maniac intermittantly, but then...you just somehow make everything right in the end. How do you do it?"  
  
I dunno...magic gnomes?  
  
She kisses my forehead.  
  
Wait. I just realized how akward this looks.  
  
I'll just sit down.  
  
Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhh.  
  
No wait. Let me change the inflection.  
  
AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!  
  
This mud is scalding.  
  
I can't feel my feet.  
  
But I get to look at Zelda's sexy eyebrows. So I guess it's okay.  
  
I put my arm around her. Except I can't really get my arm out of the mud.  
  
Let me try pulling on it.  
  
Rrrrrg. RRRRG! STUCK...IN...MUD!  
  
It's like fucking QUICKSAND!  
  
Oh well.  
  
One more try.  
  
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!  
  
OOOOOOOOOOOOOW! I DISLOCATED MY SHOULDER! AAAAAAAAAAAH!  
  
Oh. Ow. I popped it back into place.  
  
Oh, there we go. Got my arm out.  
  
*SCHHLLLUUURRRRRPPPP*  
  
Whoa. That sounded weird.  
  
So I finally put my mud-covered arm around her.  
  
She's looking at me funny again. But then it melts into affection. Or pain.  
  
Nope, affection.  
  
"Oh Link...this is so romantic..."  
  
Yeah....  
  
Except, we're in a big vat of mud. But it's still pretty romantic.  
  
She kinda snuggles next to me.  
  
Awww. I love her.  
  
But I hate this mud.  
  
My legs feel like roasted pork loins.  
  
Mmmm...pork loins...when it turns kinda pink in the middle, but grey on the outside, and it's perfectly tender...Awaarrrrrrrgggllleeee...drool...  
  
Oh geez. I gotta fart.  
  
How is THIS gonna work? This mud is about as viscous as molasses in a freezer. I once put my head in a bucket of molasses, and put it in a freezer, and lemme tell ya, it wasn't too viscous.  
  
Maybe my fart will just sit there, preserved.  
  
HEY! Maybe, archiologists in the future will unearth this fossilized mud, and find MY fossilized fart in it!  
  
WOW! I GOTTA TRY IT!  
  
Aaaaaaaah. Sweet relief.  
  
Oh crap. Now I gotta pee.  
  
I can't get out of this mud. I seriously doubt that it's even possible to get out of this mud. I'd need a forklift to get out of this mud.  
  
I REALLY GOTTA PEE! But I can't do it in the mud! I mean, it's not like this is a swimming pool or something!  
  
Zelda leans her head on my shoulder. Her hair is all covered with mud. It feels like a bunch of banana slugs.  
  
You might not find that sexy. But I do.  
  
Ahh. I guess I'll hold it.  
  
But wait. What if my bladder explodes? That'll ruin the moment.  
  
Wait. It's mud, right? And mud gets you dirty, right? So in this case, getting dirty is good for you, right? So if I pee in it, it'll get MORE dirty. So...it'll actually HELP. COOL! I USED LOGIC TO SOLVE A PROBLEM!  
  
Well, there's a first time for everything I guess.  
  
Aaaaaaaaaaah. Muuuuch better.  
  
I give Zelda a big kiss. I get lots of mud in my mouth.  
  
GAG! PHFFT! YUCK!  
  
Well THAT was a turn-off.  
  
I guess if I get put in a playgirl magazine or something I'd have to write, "Turn-Offs: Eating Mud."  
  
And then, "Turn-Ons: Banana-slug-like Hair."  
  
Ahhhhhh. I close my eyes and relax, in the arms of the one I love, being boiled alive in mud.  
  
My body is covered with third-degree burns.  
  
Mmmmmm. Ahhhhh. Owwwwch.  
  
Only seventy-two minutes to go.  
  
***  
  
Time to get out.  
  
Any thoughts on how?  
  
Okay. I have one arm around Zelly, and one arm and two legs in the tub. Only, the arm around Zelly is sorta covered with congealed mud, and it's rather hard to move.  
  
RGGGG! There. Dislodged it.  
  
Now. I'll reach in and grab my other arm.  
  
Okay. Got it.  
  
Now. To...pull...them...out.  
  
Can't be done.  
  
Perhaps I should dip my head in, bite my legs, and pull them out.  
  
Okay. Bad idea. Maybe I should...um...  
  
Oh wait! A kind Goron is coming to save me! It's like a dolphin coming to save someone who's drowning! But probably not in mud.  
  
No, wait. She's got these towels, and bottles, and...a cucumber.  
  
Now, wait a minute.  
  
I like cucumbers as much as the next guy, but...what does it have to do with ME?  
  
Hm. She doesn't look like she's going to save me from the mud.  
  
Maybe I should shout for help. But I guess it would be self-evident that I'm slowly drowning in mud.  
  
Oh dear. She's not going to save me. She's going to inflict more relaxation on me.  
  
She's wrapping my head in a towel. Then she's getting...A KNIFE! AAAAAAAAAH! WHAT IS THAT FOR?  
  
OOOOOOHHHHH! Cutting the cucumber. I get it.  
  
So. I'm guessing I'm getting a nice little between-meal snack or something?  
  
She's putting the cucumber slices on my eyes.  
  
Well. That solves my lack-of-cucumbers-on-eyes problem.  
  
"Just sit back and relax."  
  
Oh. Okay.  
  
Now she's rubbing this icy-cold gunk over my face.  
  
What in the blue fuck is THIS supposed to do?  
  
This shit is so goddam COLD!  
  
Dispite the fact my core temperature is currently hovering around 120 digrees, I'm shivering.  
  
Why are we doing this again?  
  
Whatever this is supposed to be doing, it had damn well better be doing it.  
  
I can't see.  
  
Oh that's right, my eyes are closed. Let me try opening them.  
  
GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! CUCUMBER JUICE IN EYES! ITTTTTTTTTT BURRRRRRRRRRRRRRNS!  
  
Bad idea. I'll add it to the list.  
  
Is this happening to Zelda too? I hope not. She doesn't deserve this.  
  
This must be some kind of initiation. Like a fraternity or something.  
  
Yeah, that's it. Hazing the new guy. That's it. That's the ticket, lil' cricket.  
  
Oh GOD! WHO'M I KIDDING? THIS IS WHAT I PAID FOR! WHHHHHHHHHHHHHY?!?!?!?  
  
Once again, I can't see. Is Zelda nearby? Is anybody?  
  
Let me try to feel for her.  
  
Hmm. This feels sorta like...umm...can't tell...  
  
Ah ha! That's something all right. Feels round...and squishy...and...nippley. That's funny, I could have sworn that's...  
  
OH MY GOD! CRAPCRAPCRAPCRAP!  
  
"JESUS LINK WHAT THE CRAP ARE YOU DOING?"  
  
"I...I...I...I..."  
  
"IF YOU MUST GROPE ME CAN YOU WAIT UNTIL THE GORON ISN'T LOOKING?"  
  
"I CAN'T TELL THAT THE GORON'S LOOKING! I GOT CUCUMBERS IN MY EYES!"  
  
Great. Now it looks like I'm just a little hornball instead of a helpless blind dude.  
  
Let me try again.  
  
Hmm...that's...that's arm. I'm getting close.  
  
"What on EARTH are you..."  
  
Hey! There's face! There's nose, and mouth...I FOUND HER FACE! WOOT!  
  
"GAAK! STOP THAT! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"  
  
"Is that you, darling, sweetie, love of my life?"  
  
"HELL YES, IT'S ME! STOP SMEARING MUD ON MY FACE!"  
  
Oh right, the mud. CRAP!  
  
Maybe...maybe if I sit really still, I can go to sleep.  
  
Ahhhhh.  
  
Falling...asleep...in...vat...of...mud...  
  
ZzZZZzzzZZZZZzZZzZZzZZzZzZz...  
  
***  
  
Hmm. I just had the funniest dream. I was bowling with the head of Pikachu at a bunch of bowling pins shaped like blueberry muffins.  
  
MUFFINS! MUFFINS ARE THE SHIITE!  
  
Wait-a-minit. Why am I...  
  
HOOOO-LEEE-CRAP! I'M DROWNING IN MUD!  
  
MUST...REACH...SURFACE! GHHHAAAAAAAAAAAA!  
  
Gaspgaspgaspgaspgasp...  
  
"Link...are you..."  
  
Ready to get out? Ready to get out? GET OUT? GET OUT????  
  
"...okay?"  
  
Oh. Sure. I'm fine. Now can we GET OUT OF THIS DEATHHOLE?  
  
"I'm good! All is well!"  
  
"You went under for a moment and...I had to rescue you from your own idiocy...again..."  
  
Oh. It was one of those moments again.  
  
"Ya know Link, this isn't really working...let's go..."  
  
GO? AS IN, LEAVE?  
  
YEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAH! WOOOOOOO!  
  
A Goron's coming over. She's...  
  
HOLY CRAP! SHE'S GRABBING ME BY THE ARMS! AND TRYING TO PULL ME OUT! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHGGGG GOOOOOD GAAAAAAAAAAAAWD NOOOOOOOOOOO! SHE'S GOING TO DISLOCATE MY ARMS!  
  
SCHLOOORP!  
  
Out I come. Only...I'm wearing...mud.  
  
Zelda's getting out. Gracefully, beautifully. As opposed to painfully and incompetently.  
  
"Let's go shower off..."  
  
YES! Shower!  
  
I've never showered with Zelda before.  
  
Then again, I've hardly ever showered with MYSELF before.  
  
Maybe I can shampoo her back! HOTNESS!  
  
Or her EYEBROWS!  
  
HOTTERNESS!  
  
***  
  
Lets see. Here I am in the shower stall. It's not exactally...private. It's about as private as a park bench.  
  
Plus, I can't read Goron. I don't know what the knobs mean.  
  
Let me try this one...  
  
*Schwisssssssssss...*  
  
Ahh. Not to bad. Not too...  
  
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH TOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT! SCALDING MEEEEEEEEEE!  
  
RUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNN!  
  
Okay...I'm out of the evil clutches of the shower. Let me try and turn the water off.  
  
Reaching...in...  
  
OOOOOOOOW HOT!  
  
Reaching...in...  
  
OOOOOOOOOOW HOT!  
  
Reaching...in...  
  
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!  
  
DAMMIT! THIS ISN'T WORKING!  
  
Okay.  
  
WAIT! MY BRAIN JUST VOMITED UP AN IDEA!  
  
Brain, where would I be without you?  
  
*A few minutes later, Link has attached a shower slipper to a long stick and is poking the shower knobs with it*  
  
IT WORKS! THE SHOWER TURNED OFF!  
  
I'm a GENIUS! And all I had to do was run naked outside and find a stick.  
  
Okay. I'll try the other one.  
  
Ahhh. Nice and cool. Not painfully hot.  
  
GGGGGGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD!  
  
COLDCOLDCOLDCOLDCOLDCOLDCOLDCOLDCOLDCOLDCOLDCOLDCOLDCOLDCOLD!  
  
*HEEEP*-*HOOOOOP*-*HEEEEEEP*-*HOOOOOOOOP*  
  
Heart...rate...falling...back...to...normal.  
  
WHAT KIND OF RELAXING SPA IS THIS?!?  
  
Uh oh. Major problem.  
  
Looking down...  
  
HOLY GODDESS!!! WHERE DID IT GO???  
  
Holy shit. I can't let anyone see me like this. Hey, I have an image to maintain. I'm the Hero of Time, remember?  
  
"Hey, Link, are you done yet?"  
  
IEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! It's Zelda!  
  
WHERE IS MY TOWEL?  
  
"DON'T COME IN!"  
  
"What? What's the matter?"  
  
THERE IT IS! BLESSED TOWEL!  
  
Thank you for covering my loins.  
  
I will never forget you.  
  
Now. I need a distraction so I can go and put my clothes on, grab Zelda, and run.  
  
Hmm.  
  
"FFFFFFFIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEE! RRRRRRRRRRRRUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Peeeerrrrrfect.  
  
"Link, what the crap."  
  
Yes, WHAT the crap? I don't know either.  
  
"Why are you screaming that there's a fire? What's supposed to be burning? Rocks?"  
  
"Look, it doesn't matter. Just come over here for a moment."  
  
There's a fire alarm over here.  
  
I grab her hand and pull it for her.  
  
I'm sure she she'd have done it without my help, but, ya know, it's romantic.  
  
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING! STOP!"  
  
Too late.  
  
"RUN ZELDA! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!"  
  
"NO! STOP!"  
  
We run away. Hey! There's that bunch of rocks that goes to the Lost Woods!  
  
Do I have a bomb in this towel?  
  
Or am I just glad to see you?  
  
I CRACK MYSELF UP!  
  
Hey! Here's one of those bomb flower things!  
  
Here we go.  
  
"Hey Zelda! Check it out! I got a bomb!"  
  
"HOLY CRAP PUT THAT DOWN!"  
  
Where, here? Okay.  
  
"JEZUZ CHRIST LINK LOOOOOOK OOOOOOOOOOOOOOUT!"  
  
She seems upset. Hmm.  
  
*BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM*  
  
Ow.  
  
Now I'm muddy, boiled alive, AND blown up.  
  
Hey! The rocks are gone!  
  
"COME ON! WE HAVE TO ESCAPE FROM THE SPA OF DEATH!"  
  
"WHY? CAN'T WE AT LEAST GO AND GET OUR CLOTHES OR SOMETHING?"  
  
"NO TIME FOR THAT!"  
  
This way! To the Lost Woods!  
  
We walk into the big black space.  
  
And now we're here.  
  
Hey! What's going on...  
  
WHO ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE?  
  
"Link, what are we...OH MY GOD!"  
  
Hey! I remember where we are! It's the Kokiri Track Meet! I believe I mentioned that earlier!  
  
Cool! Can I enter?  
  
Hmmm. They all seem to be laughing at me.  
  
Is there something funny?  
  
OH! That's right. We're nude. And muddy.  
  
Hmm. If I were more intelligent, I'd be embarrassed.  
  
Zelda doesn't seem to be taking this well.  
  
"LINK...GOING...TO...KILL...YOU..."  
  
She's giving me that Look.  
  
And THAT'S my spa trip with Zelda. 


	4. There's an AWL in my FOOT!

My Life with Zelda

Chapter 4: Höm Imprüvmintz

Playing air guitar is like masturbation. Everyone does it, and anyone who denies doing it is lying, and no one likes talking about doing it. Doing it in mixed company is inappropriate. And once you start it's very difficult to stop.

The parallels are staggering.

I actually don't like playing air guitar. I don't play guitar. I would rather play air ocarina.

I try, but it's hard. I keep dropping my air ocarina and breaking it into air shrapnel.

Fortunately the real Ocarina of Time can't break. I dropped it on the ground, like, a hundred times, and it never broke.

Breaking things is one of my undeniable talents. Like, this one time? Zelda and I were comparing Triforce pieces. Mine is the Triforce of Courage, and I like, polish it every day. It's all big and shiny and cool. I can see my ever-handsome face in it.

That's what's funny about me. Zelda says I'm "inexplicably sexy." I haven't the faintest clue what that's supposed to mean, but it only makes me love her more.

So anyway Zelda has the Triforce of Wisdom, and she like, never polishes it, and it smells like old library books. I bet she can't see her inexplicably-sexy face in hers. So I get into this little macho kinda contest thing, you know, "my magical artifact is bigger than YOUR magical artifact" kinda deeley.

So then I grab Zelda by the arm, to compare sizes of Magical Artifacts, and lo and behold, she gets MAD at me! It's not like I was rubbing it in or anything. I was simply trying to show her the benefits of proper Triforce maintenance.

The fact that her forearm was all red and hurty for a week afterward dimly registers as having something to do with her upsetion, though.

Waitaminnit. "Upsetion?"

Glory halleylooya, I've made up another word!

Let's do the "Link Roxors" dance.

DJ Link, rocks the house, DJ Link, rocks the house, DJ Link, rocks the house, rocks the house, rocks the house, rocks the house, ROKKIT!

Sorry. Excuse me. It's just that I love it when I figure out a word that doesn't exist when it should. Like, "assimmolation." Basically its how I feel when I ride Epona for too long. And what's great is that it's actually a homophobe, or a homognome, or homograph, or something, like, one of those words that sounds the same as another word but is different. Also "carrotstickler." I'm a carrotstickler. That is, I'm a big stickler when it comes to carrot sticks. Each carrot stick must be cut and washed to perfection, totally organically made without any pesticides or GMO's. Yep, I'm a big stickler for carrot sticks all right. I mean, I've got a stickle as thick around as your arm and just as long.

Okay, better stop, I could go on all day.

Well...

Just a few more.

Intrestitude. When you're not really interested, so you put on the "attitude" of being "interested."

Freudlulent. Acting like Sigmund Freud.

Embiggle. Skulkify. Reconstitubular.

Don't those at least SOUND like real words? And they're NOT! Isn't that just frabjous?

Just thinking now I got another one. Balonophone. It's when you use a word when you know it's not true but want to say it anyway just because, like if you were saying something that's clearly just a bunch of baloney. Like something that obviously isn't true, like, "You shouldn't ride your horse with underwear on your head," or "Maybe a gas-powered motorized drinking straw isn't such a good idea," or even "Link, I think you've had enough to drink."

Waitaminnit again. Fully three-eights of that last sentance rhymed with itself! WOOT!

Hey! Did you know that if you count to 3 on your fingers you get your middle finger on one hand, and if you count to 8 you get the middle finger on the OTHER hand? One time in preschool I ended up giving the teacher the finger trying to count to ten and it was FUNNY!

So anyway Zelda wants to take me shopping. I think that was my original point. Unless it was about air guitar/masturbation string theory. But if that was the point then I've made it, I guess. Just to be safe, and not make extra points that don't need to be said, I'm going to stop here.

OH WAIT! CRAPCRAPCRAPCRAP! The original point WAS to go shopping. That was embarrassing.

So anyway Zelda wants me to go shopping with her. She has something called "fashion sense." I guess she got bitten by a radioactive blouse or something, and gained superpowers. I don't think she gained the strength and speed of a garment, though. So whenever she sees me, her fashion senses tingle, and she says I need to get a new wardrobe.

What in the holy hell is "wardrobe" supposed to mean? It sounds like some kind of deadly super-weapon. "Achteevate zee Vardrobe! Mwahahahahaha!" Let me look it up.

Okay, I'm back. A wardrobe is a large cabinet in which one puts clothes. She wants me to get a new, better clothes cabinet? I don't have one to begin with! I guess having one would be an improvement on not having one. Or maybe not. It could be really heavy.

Anyhow, I'm going to go to her house now so we can leave. Don't touch my stuff.

Well, here I am. DAYum, it's big. And marble. If I had a diner I'd call it the Big n' Marble. It'd be big. And marble. As implied by its name. I don't really know what I'd serve. Maybe marbles.

Why the blue fuck are they called "marbles" if they're made out of goddamn GLASS? WHY? WHY? WHY MUST YOU TORMENT ME? IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTT MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKES NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNSE!

Oh, wait. I make no sense. So I'm right at home with marbles made of glass and glasses made of plastic and rubbers made of...hmm, never mind.

OH RIGHT! The door. The date. The fashion sense.

There's no doorbell. I guess it would have to be big and marble too. Imagine that. A doorbell the size of a basketball, made of solid marble. You'd need a battering ram to ring it. I'll have to ask her about that later.

There are two gigantic door knockers. Wow. Those are big knockers. They're so huge and round and heavy. Just hanging there. Wow.

They're so big I can't even pick them up.

Wait, I forgot I just barge in unannounced for no good reason. barge

"ZELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLDDDDDDDDDDDDDAAAAAAA! I'M HERE ABOUT THE WARDROBE THING!"

I hear something that sounds distinctly like Zelda's head hitting the ceiling.

"LINK WHAT IN GOD'S NAME IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

"I DON'T KNOW, I FIGURED I COULD ASK YOU!"

"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?"

"THE DATE THING!"

"I'M TAKING A GODDAMN SHOWER AND SHRIEKED AT ME AND I JUMPED ABOUT FOUR VERTICAL FEET AND YOU MADE ME PUT A GODDAMN HOLE IN THE GODDAMN CEILING!"

"THAT'S NICE! THERE'S SO MUCH I WANT TO YELL TO YOU!"

"WAIT A FEW FUCKING MINUTES YOU DUMBASS!"

"OKAY!"

What a nice girl.

Here she comes. She's walking down the staircase. It's like this scene in this romance movie she made me watch. Where the girl is in this huge white gown and the guy is in a suit and she comes running down the stairs, and the dress is going all over the place. It was kinda scary. But I think Zelda liked it. It made her cry. Apparently when romance movies make people cry it's a GOOD thing. According to Zelda.

That's the thing! Dames, they speak in code. They act in inscrutable ways. Their minds are enigmas. First Zelda says I shouldn't mess with the barbeque grill because the can attached to it is "flammable." I get her to sit down and explain in plain English what "flammable" means. It means set-on-fireable, basically. In fact, the phrase "set-on-fireable" is basically the word "flammable" only with fewer syllables. Or maybe more. Depending on which would be better.

Anyway, she told me that the grill was set-on-fireable, and I shouldn't mess around with it. So I didn't. Then the next day she shows me how to work a gas pump, and the sign says the gas is INflammable. So, then I ask what adding "in" to a word means. She says it means something like "not." The opposite. So then "In-flammable" has to mean "not-set-on-fireable." Right? RIGHT? So I toss a match into the gas tank. Why? Well, I don't want to hold a lit match! It could burn me! So I put it into a very "NON-set-on-fireable" place. And what happens?

That's right! IT EXPLODES! So one minute I'm standing there, getting a better grasp on the nature of language, and then, I'm in ER for about six days with second-degree burns on 60 of my body. THANKS A LOT ZEL! I wanted to give her a nice long talking-to, but my lips sorta burned off. That sucked.

Anyway, Zelda looks like that scene in that movie. Except instead of a long flowing gown she has a smallish bath towel. And she's all wet. Did she just come from the gym? Naked? The Naked Gym? HOLY CRAP ON A CRAP CRACKER THAT WOULD BE BITCHIN'! I wanna see Zelda jogging naked on a treadmill! SHEEEE-ITE!

Wait. Something's odd. She's covered with water, but her face is all red. And all the water that touches her face turns to steam. And she's quivering. And her fists are balled menacingly. And she's grunting inarticulately.

She's either having a mind-shattering orgasm, or she's angry.

"LINK YOU GODDAMN SON OF A BITCH!"

OH SHIT! SHE'S ANGRY!

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

OH SHIT! AT ME!

"I..."

"YOU DAMN NEAR KILLED ME AGAIN!"

"If this is about the S-Type, it's YOUR FAULT!"

"THERE'S A HOLE IN MY CEILING AND IT'S FROM MY HEAD!"

"YOU TOLD ME IT WAS INFLAMMABLE! IN-FUCKING-FLAMMABLE!"

"LISTEN YOU DIPSHIT IT'S NOT ABOUT THE CAR YOU BLEW UP!"

"Huh?"

"It's about you smashing down the door to my house, screaming at the top of your lungs, GIVING ME A GODDAMN ANEURYSM, and MAKING ME JUMP INTO THE CEILING AND ALMOST BREAKING MY NECK!"

"Oh."

"CAN YOU SEE WHY I'M ANGRY?"

"Yes. You're right. I'm sorry."

See, I have part of the girl code cracked. The phrase "You're right, I'm sorry" means basically "You must become less angry right now!" Because whenever I say that to her, she gets less angry. It's mind-boggling. Also I've picked up that "Link, your fly is unzipped" is something like "Link, make angry love to the fishes." And I think "our relationship" refers to some kind of soap-box derby racecar. She wants to talk to me about our relationship, but I wasn't aware we were building one. In fact, she won't tell me where it is. I ask her, "Where's this relationship you're talking about? I don't know of any," and it always makes her upset. And when I innocently suggest we "go out back and get some of the body work done on our relationship" I get slapped sharply across the face. I still can't figure it out.

"Link...being your boyfriend is like raising a small child. Indefinitely."

"Really?"

"Yes..."

"Am I a cute small child?"

She smiles. WHEW! Thank God that's over.

"Would I put up with your moronic antics if you weren't?"

She's looking at my face. I can't figure this one out either. I think it's some sort of attempt at telepathic communication.

"It's just...I have to teach you how to live a normal life. You can't figure it out on your own. And it's a full-time job."

Really? Does it have benefits?

"I'm sorry..."

See, just "I'm sorry" by itself is a diminutive of "You're right, I'm sorry" that means basically "I am a good person and you should not be angry at me."

"It's okay. Just add this to the list of things not to do again."

"So are we going shopping?"

"Do you want to?"

WHOA! That totally threw me. Usually she just takes me places and makes me do things. Sometimes she puts a carrot on a fishing pole in front of me, but that's it.

Damn you, carrot, you magnificent bastard! ONE DAY I WILL EAT YOU, I SWEAR! YOU'VE NOT SEEN THE LAST OF ME!

"Umm...well...do YOU want to?" This ALWAYS works.

"Not really, actually."

"Are you sure? You seem to be down to a smallish Turkish towel and...umm...nothing!"

"I...you...I won't even attempt to figure out if you were being funny or stupid. It's impossible to tell."

"Um..."

AWK-ward!

"You know, I have a hole in my shower that needs fixing..."

"Wait. Are you coming on to me?"

"Let's go."

She's got me by the arm! SWEET! There are only two times when she takes me by the arm upstairs.

And I forget what the second one is.

Oh right. It's when we have to fix one of my catastrophes.

I think it's that one this time.

Nuts.

"You get the spackle and plasterboard and stuff. I'll go upstairs and take a look at it and put on my home-improvement clothes."

Spackle? Plasterboard? Clothes? I'm in over my head.

"Um, Zel, why don't I, um, go upstairs, and you go get the spackleboard?"

"What?"

"I mean the spoard and the ackleplast!"

"Is there a gas leak in here?"

"THE SPACKLE AND PLASTERBOARD! I WANT YOU TO GO GET IT!"

"I'm not prancing around in a towel for one more minute. You can get them. Do you know where they are?"

"Yup." No. No I do not.

"Do you know what they look like?"

"Yup." No. Why don't you get them nude? What's the big deal? I do it all the time.

"Great. Meet you upstairs. I need to dress myself." No, what you REALLY need to do is show me where your mysterious artifacts of home improvement are located!

Damn. Not only do I miss my chance to watch Zelda dressing herself, I have to find the ploard and the spasterckle! Where in the holy hell am I going to find those things?

I'm going to the garage and I'm going to grab the first two remotely portable objects that I see. That always worked before.

Hey. This garage is really weird. There's something odd about it. Something... ineffable... intangible... like some fundamental element of natural order is awry. Some disturbance in the Force...the chiaroscuro is off…I've seen... something like it... before...

Think, Link! Where did you see this bizarre distortion of reality before? WHEEEEEEEEERE?

Oh! That's right! I saw this before inside a deacon's hat.

It's... duh... daaah... dar...dark! Yeah! That's it! There ain't no light goin' on in here!

Now what do you do in a situation like this? You've dealt with something like this before...just think back to college...

I was so wasted...

NO! It wasn't college. Was it...grad school? No...wait...some time...more recently...

Right! This morning! What was I doing this morning? I was...sorta like reclining on a soft surface after a prolonged period of unconsciousness. Wait...a soft surface? The floor of Zelda's bathroom isn't soft when I wake up there after prolonged periods of unconsciousness. So this wasn't my typical unconsciousness. It was...

SLEEP! Yeah! That's it! And the room was...DARK!

So what did I do?

THINK! THINK LIKE YOU'VE NEVER THOUGHT BEFORE!

If you've never thought before, then wouldn't your first attempt at thinking be really bad, and not good? Or does it mean you've been thinking, but you have to think in a manner in which you have never thought before, i.e., unprecedented, new, novel. Well, that could easily mean that you should be thinking worse than you've ever thought before, but it's always used in a context as in, "think better than you've ever thought before..."

NO! WAIT! LOSING LASER-LIKE FOCUS ON THE PROBLEM!

What did I do this morning...I was in bed...there was a beer can on the floor...right next to the Playboy issue...

I fumbled around for...the...light switch! That's it! EUREKA!

Click.

HEY! It worked. I'm a geenass.

Whoa. Zelda has one goofy-ass garage. It's, like, full of cars and shit.

Hey! There's a bunch of home-improvement project thingies over there!

Lessee. Awl.

Whoa. Stop right there. Awl?

It looks like a murder weapon. And I can barely pronounce it. What is it for? As far as I can tell its only purpose is to inflict severe puncture wounds.

So that's out.

Let me just drop it on the floor.

Drop.

OHMIGOD OW OW OW OW OW OW! It penetrated my foot! I didn't see THAT one coming!

HOLY LIVING FUCK I HAVE AN OWL IN MY FOOT! OH GAWD IT HURTS!

Wait. Calm down. You've been through worse. Remember your quest? You saved the world! Yeah! You da man!

I must complete this quest to find the spackle and the plasterboard! Whatever those are! So that I may win the heart of the princess fair!

What is that supposed to mean, anyway? Fair? In what sense? She doesn't cheat at blackjack, yes. In fact, I don't think it's possible to cheat at blackjack.

Wait a minute.

Oh my God, there's an AWL in my FOOT!

Oh right. The AWL in my foot! Yeah! That.

Lets see. Next up we have a ball-peen hammer. I wonder what that's for. My guess is for when you're peein' while you're hammered and someone whacks you with it on the balls.

Oh good LORD! I don't even want to think about that.

This can't be what Zelda wants. She doesn't even have balls. As far as anyone knows.

This thing is a...HEY! An electric nail-shooting-gun-deeley! It's just like Lethal Weapon 2!

POW! POW POW POW! Take that, evildoers!

PTHUNK!

Whoa! It put a nail through the wall! Wicked!

PTHUNK PTHUNK PTHUNK!

Dude, this is far and away the single coolest object I've ever encountered.

PTHUNK!

OH GOOD GOD MY HAND! I'VE GOT A NAIL IN MY HAND! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Wow, I've been impaled with two separate objects in under a minute.

I won't do THAT again!

PTHUNK!

Oops.

shatter

Whoa. I hope Zelda hadn't gotten too attached to that car windshield.

WEEOOOWEEOOOWEEOOOWEEOOO

Whoa. That car alarm is freakin' me out, man. It, like, blows my mind.

Or maybe it's blood loss.

WEEOOOWEEOOOWEEOOOWEEOOO

Wow, that's astonishingly annoying.

…

Stupid alarm! You get pthunked now!

PTHUNK!

WEEOOO...WEE...WOOP...WoooOOOOooooooooooo...

sizzle, crackle

That's better.

Now then, I'd better get back to looking for...those...

Crap, I forgot what I was supposed to be looking for.

Hmm. What was it?

It might have been this nail-shooting thing.

But it might not have been.

But it might have been.

No, wait, it was the spackle and plasterboard.

Let's just see what's...

Uh oh.

Iths gedding haad to ofen mah mauf.

I hink eh mai be logjah.

God dammid. Ah knew I shoulduf godden dad tetnif shod wen I had da shanz.

Bud neeulz err scary!

Waid, neeulz? Err? OH NOO! NEEULZ! RUN!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

thunk

Awh. I hink I hid mah hed onna thide adda cah.

Waid! Thad's id!

If I hid mah chin reely haahd onna thida da cah, id mide unstig mah jah.

thud

AWH!

thud

AWH!

thud

OW!

Hey! It worked!

Wooo hoo hoo hoo hoo!

We just figured out Blue's Clues, we just figured out Blue's Clues, we just figured out Blue's Clues, because we're really smart!

YEAH!

Break it down now!

Oh. Hello there, reader. Have we met? No, I don't think we have. You see, I was just opening my jaw, which was stuck shut. I'm Link. Nice to meet you.

What? I have WHAT?

OH MY GOD YOU'RE RIGHT! THERE'S A NAIL IN MY HAND AND AN AWL IN MY FOOT!

I desperately need medical attention!

Wait!

I can't go to the hospital now! I have to find the spackle and the plasterboard!

Plus hospitals are scary.

They make you wear these dresses that let people see your butt.

As much as people deserve to see my butt, I'm afraid I can't allow that.

So I'm not going to the hospital!

You can't make me!

No! Stop! Get away from me!

Wait. I'm sorry, we haven't met. My name is Link.

Oh my God, a nail in my hand!

Spackle!

You know, let's just forget everything that happened in the last five minutes.

Forgetting...forgetting…Done!

Hi. We haven't met. My name is Link.

Wait, where AM I? Oh, God, I've stepped into another dimension.

I have become unmoored from reality forever.

No, wait, I'm just in Zelda's garage looking for spackle and plasterboard. And...there's a NAIL in my HAND!

Let's see now. Here's a level. It's this flat thing with a capsule of water with a bubble in the water.

Hey! When you move the thingy around, the bubble moves with you!

Hee hee hee hee! Look at it go!

No! Must resist temptation!

So that's a level. I guess you use it to beat people and things until they're level.

Sounds useful. I'll keep that. Zelda won't mind. I'll just put it with all the other things I've borrowed from Zelda. Like that carburetor. I really ought to give her that back.

Now in Zelda's toolbox is a tape measurer. Why in God's name would you need to measure tape? Tape is usually about an inch wide and maybe 300 feet long.

Yes, 300 feet. I checked. It took me all afternoon, and I had to take this masking tape all the way across Kokiri Forest, but I did it.

So I guess that was the only time I have ever needed a tape measurer. To measure tape.

Unless they mean VHS tapes. Or cassette tapes.

Well, those are easy too. The VHS ones are like six inches by one inch by three inches. Cassette tapes are like two-by-three-by-one-half.

ANYWAY! I'll just toss that over my shoulder.

toss

shatter

Whoa. If the nail through that windshield didn't break it enough, THAT sure did!

Here's a wrench. It's heavy.

Wait! You can murder people with a wrench!

Like in that board game! Clue!

People tell me I look just like Mr. Green in Clue. You know, the guy in a green tux who loves money. I want a green tux like that one. That is my life's ambition.

Although personally, I think I look more like the candlestick.

'Cuz candlesticks are sexy like that.

No time for that now!

Next in the cavalcade of useless tools is a screwdriver. This thing can murder people too!

So it that what Zelda wanted me to do? Murder people?

NO! It was to find the spacklething and the boarderplasty!

Let's take a step back.

step

bonk

shatter

slice

bleed

Wait a second. OW! I sliced my other, non-perforated hand on the jagged broken glass of Zelda's former windshield!

Okay. Let's take a step back METAPHORICALLY. You hear me, body? Yo! Body! This is brain! You do what I say, and I release the parathyroid hormones that keep you from keeling over dead. You dig?

Okay. Let's look at the root words. "Spackle" seems to be a twisted variation of Dr. "Spock"-le. And...here's a jar that bears Dr. Spock's characteristically jar-shaped head. Wait, was it Spock who had a jar-shaped head? Did Chekov? Did anyone?

I have become unmoored from reality forever.

So here's this jar. It's my only lead, so I'll take what I can get. It's full of white gooey stuff. And it says...HEY!

Spackle! At long, long last!

"Liii-iiiink! What's going on?"

Oh, crap! Zelda! She wants her plasterboard! I've gotta say something!

"It's okay, Zelda! Just somelacerations and untreated puncture wounds!"

Ooo, that didn't come out right.

"You what?"

"Nothing!"

"Well, hurry up!"

Okay. Gotta hurry. Where's the plasterboard?

Plasterboard. I guess it has something to do with getting plastered. Being bored and getting plastered? What does THAT have to do with fixing a hole? As fun as it would be.

Plastered, and board. Bored, as in, a wild boar? Like, the big foaming tusk things?

A plastered boar. Huh. That makes even less sense.

"Link, what are you...OH MY GOD!"

"I'm sorry! I was looking for the Dr. Spockle and the plastered boar and I couldn't find them and it's all so confusing!"

"Not that! You're bleeding all over the place! What did you...HOLY SHIT! You have my awl embedded in your FOOT!"

"Oh, that. Yeah."

"And there's a nail through your hand! And the car windshield is smashed!"

"Okay, there, that wasn't my fault. You see, it was all the fault of the laws of physics..."

"We have to get you to the hospital!"

"...see, it's not MY fault that when an object is set in motion, it continues to move until it meets an obstruction, i.e., your windshield, and..."

"I'll call 911, you just lie down,"

"Stupid law of inertia! Stupid Newton! If I had a time machine, I'd go back in time and kill Newton so that his laws of motion wouldn't apply! But then, what if to use the time machine, I'd have to use the laws of motion? I suppose I could go back in time and kill Newton, but then make my OWN laws of motion, that would be wicked cool ones, like..."

"Link! Do you understand me? Do you hear the sound of my voice?"

"…and THAT way, I could build a rocket house, or a floating chair, or a hyperbolic soda can, or..."

"Oh, forget it. If you haven't passed out from blood loss NOW, you NEVER will."

"…and THAT'S why I say that sheep ought to have to wear diapers. Zelda?"

"What, dearest..."

"You wanted plasterboard?"

"Oh, yeah. That." She grabs this white board stuff.

Hey! That was there the whole time! THAT'S plasterboard? NO WAY!

You learn something new every day.

"Now, Link, you sure you're not going to die on me?"

"Nah. I'd probably miss you and just die on the floor, like everyone else."

"Very funny. Now, are we going to fix the hole in the ceiling or not?"

"I guess we are. I don't know. You're the one who said we..."

"Never mind. Come with me."

Ow. These various puncture wounds hurt like...some kinda...puncture wound. But they can wait.

We climb the stairs. Zelda goes first. I always make her go first when we climb up things. You have one guess as to why.

Ready?

Go!

Time's up. Please put your pencils on your desks and pass your papers forward.

Let's see, you think I make Zelda go first so I can..."look up her..." Oh good GOD! You people are SICK! SICK SICK SICK! The REAL reason I make Zelda go first is in case of Burmese tiger traps. You get a lot of those.

"Have you ever done this before?"

What, climb the stairs? Yeah, I'm pretty sure...

"Yeah. Of course."

"Really! So you know what to do?"

Durr. It involves motion and something I call "muscle contraction."

"I think so."

"Good. Then you can cut the plasterboard with this saw." She produces a saw.

"I can what the what with this what?"

"Oh, so you haven't done this before. Ha, good one there Link, I almost believed you were competent."

"I'm perfectly competent! I mean, I've never been a man-eating couch in my life! I'd remember if I was something like that."

"What are...never mind."

"So I need to saw something?"

"Yes."

"Don't you mean see something? I need to see something?"

"No, you need to saw something."

"I can't 'saw' something! A...are you saying I need to use a time machine to go back in time and see something in the past, so I'll have...saw it?"

"No, you need to use a saw, like...this!" She bends the saw backward and snaps it forward. Hee hee. I saw the Three Stooges do this. Except...theirs had the flat side forwards and not the sharp sawy side.

Twang

Thwock

Ow.

"Oh my GOD LINK I'M SO SORRY! Wait wait wait, don't move, hold still."

Hee hee. The Three Stooges are funny. Hm, there's a saw in my skull. That will probably scar for life.

Hee hee hee hee! I can't stop thinking about how Larry hit Curly with a wrench!

"I'll try to pull it out. Rrrr...there. Let me get some rags to staunch the bleeding."

"Bleeding? Oh, yeah. Bleeding. I've been doing a lot of that lately."

She looks around panicky-like. I don't get it, is there like a fire or something? She seems all worried. Is it...maybe...oh, it's the saw-skull thing. What's the big deal? Now, being zapped by Ganondorf's big ol' balls of darkness, THAT hurts.

How is old Ganondorf, anyway? We never talk any more.

Zelda can't find any towel to..."staunch" the bleeding. Huh. Staunch is a funny word. It's spelled all funny. Like, "staunch." It should be "stonch."

There's a lot of words that have too much word in them. Like, if it wr up 2 me, evrythng wud be speld laik this. It'd be much mor simpl fr evre1. I meen, jst taking laik ths maks me feal smartr alredy!

So yeah, have I told you about my fishing trip I took this one time?

Whoa! No time for that! Zelda's takin' off her shirt! Sexy-like!

"Here, Link, press this to your head and tie it around where all the blood is."

Huh. We've never done THIS before when we were having our mad-hot make-out sessions. Maybe it's one of those tantric positions. Those Karma Sutra people had great imaginations. Like, they call things "The Dancing Crane" and "Geese Flying Upside-Down." They'd probably call this one, like, "The Thousand Blind Monkeys."

Whoa. If that's not the name of the next boy band I hear of, I'm going to punch someone. And it most likely won't be me.

"Link, are you all right now?"

"Oh, I'm more than all right, baby..."

"LINK! I took off my shirt to save your life! You'd probably be bleeding on the floor..."

Now reeeeeeeeel her in.

"You know you want this." I rip off my shirt. You know, this is a special shirt that's held together with Velcro just for this purpose. I can rip it off like it ain't no thang.

"Oh, puh-leez."

"Now, is it hot in here, or is it just me?"

"I can't tell if you're flirting or delirious from blood loss."

"Oh. Definitely the second one. So are we going to seesaw things now?"

"Yeah, I guess we should. Although in the course of about five minutes of trivial tasks, you've managed to give yourself injuries that'll probably cripple you for life."

"What, the awl and the nail and the glass lacerations and the saw blade in my skull? Get real."

"Oh, all right. You've lived through worse."

"Darn right. Now, about the hole."

"Okay, it's over here." She shows me her shower. Hey! She never used those therapeutic shower salts that I bought her for her birthday last year. She must be saving them for a sexy night where we bathe together and I scrub her back, but tastefully avoid fondling her boobs or something, and we, like, sip champagne and light a bunch of candles. That'd be awesome. The closest thing I've done to that was when I had a sensual lather with myself, and I started, like, wrapping my arms around myself and making kissing noises and going, like, "Mmm, oh Link, mmm your pecs are so hot, mmm, I totally exist." You know, like, where it looks from behind like you're getting to first or maybe second base. Strictly to...um...keep in shape. You know, for all the hot girls that I actually do that to. Yeah.

"So this is it?"

"Yeah."

"Well, that's a hole all right. I've seen this kind of thing before."

"Um, yeah. How about I'll saw the plaster, and you can use your amazing tallness to put it in the ceiling and spackle it up."

"Kay. What should I do while you saw?"

"Oh, nothing."

Nothing. Must...do...nothing. Must empty my mind. Empty...my...mind.

That was surprisingly easy.

Mind...empty. Thinking and doing...nothing. Wait. Thinking "Thinking and doing...nothing." Wait. Thinking "Wait. Thinking 'Thinking and doing...nothing." Wait. Thinking "Wait. Thinking 'Wait. Thinking...

Never mind.

Mind...filling back up.

Hey, Zelda's fixing a hole.

Song...on lips...can't...resist...

"I'm fixing a hole, where the rain gets in…"

"What was that, Link?"

"Oh, nothing."

Pause.

Dot dot dot.

"...and stops my mind from wandering...where it will go-ooooo..."

"Link?"

"BEWO-BAOW-BAWMP BADA..."

"Hey, Link, can you..."

"I'm filling the cracks, that ran through the door, and stopped my mind from wandering…"

"LINK!"

"Yes, honeykitten?"

"You're singing 'I'm Fixing a Hole' under your breath."

"Why on EARTH would I be doing THAT?"

"Is that sarcasm or just idiocy?"

"Ahnuhno."

"Well, stop. It's kind of annoying."

Must...resist!

I know, I'll concentrate on my breathing.

Heep…Hoop…Heep…Hoop…Heep…Hoop…

Uh oh, Heep I've gotten too Hoop conscious of my breath Heep ing! Now I have to Hoop do it on a Heep conscious level! Hoop.

Okay, just think about something else. Don't think about breathing...

HEEP HOOP HEEP HOOP OH GOD I ALMOST SUFFOCATED!

"Link, are you all right?"

"I'm HEEP fine. Don't worry your HOOP pretty little head."

"No, seriously. Stop that."

"I can't! I've gotten too conscious of my breathing and I can't breathe without thinking about it!"

"Really?"

"Yeah! I mean, every few words I say I have to pause to inhale deeply and...HEY! It's gone!"

"Um. Great."

"Thanks a million!"

So Zelda's sawing some plasterboard. There's all this white powder coming out of it. It looks like crack rocks.

Hee hee. Crack rocks. Say that ten times fast.

Okay, you're on, me!

Crackrockscrackrockscrackrockscrackrockscrack...I lost track.

HA! Crackrocks! The more I say it the funnier it sounds! I shout it from the rooftops! All shall hear the ecstasy that is CRACKROCKS!

"CRACKROCKS!"

"Link are you ON crack rocks?"

"No, I just like saying it."

"I am NEVER going to fix this hole."

"Good. We can stop, then."

"I said I'M never going to. YOU will."

"I WILL? That's...that's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me."

"Great. Just take this saw."

Bitchin'. A saw.

"On second thought, I don't trust you with a saw. I'll give you...um...safety scissors?"

"Those aren't going to work."

"Yeah, they'd never cut the board."

"No, I mean I'd injure myself with them anyway."

"Oh, forget it. I'll get the servants to do it."

"You have serv...OH YEAH! Being the Princess and everything. And they're not squirrels!"

"Um, yeah. That's great."

"Well, this just goes to show you: if something's too hard, get your servants to do it."

"Um, inspiring."

And so another day passes in my life with Zelda.


End file.
